i have just so many things i reallllly just feel like ranting about today. and not enough motivation to make a bunch of sets for each rant. so ive decided im going to put them all in one but separated. soo yeah, but seriously now, for all of you that are like seriously caring about me right now... seriously, i think its really cool of you and all, but dont feel bad for me. its all im asking... im going through a silly naive stage in my life, and im being all freaking dramatic and crap. its silly. im going to probly look back on this in the future and laugh about how stupid i was. so guys, its really sweet of you all to try and care and stuff, few people have sent me messages, but hey, youre a happy soul and i reallllly dont want all my negativity to be dumped on you. i just need to get all this stuff out, and i need you guys to just simply be my friend. i dont expect you to try and fix it, and i seriously dont want you guys to worry about me. ill be fine. really. i just need to use polyvore to get my true feelings out because i honestly have no other way right now. and pretty much, my only friends in real life that i trust with this info are either on polyvore, or i dont want to dump all this crap on them like i always do. theyve got their own lives to worry about.. seriously. and so do you. dont worry about me. ill be fine in time.
and oh yeah. that me in the picture. hah.
Rant #1. JD.
i hate that youre a freaking moron, who has no care for my feelings. i hate that i still cry for you almost every day still. i hate that i still hurt when i hear you laugh across the room. i hate how heartless and cruel you are. i hate you so much. but most of all... i hate that im still in love with you, and its tearing me apart inside seeing you with her everyday...
you think we can still be friends? you know thats complete BS nonsense. but ill carry on your freaking casual convos texting back and forth... and ya know you can comment on my facebook status's with little smiley faces and such... and i can go to my pillow and cry into it every night... i can still keep that picture of us but my bedside and look at it every night before i fall asleep. i can listen to our song over and over on my ipod until i go deaf. and i can pretend you never hurt me and school. i can put on that fake smile and laugh with my friends about daily shit... but youre still in my mind. you put me through garbage. and i really do resent you for it. i dont forgive you and we cant be friends. not true friends anyways. like last april-may. nope. i cant tell you secrets any more. i cant hold a normal conversation with you in person anymore. and youre different. the football team changed you. and you turned into a stupid, immature boy. who doesnt respect girls. and i know when youre not with your friends you turn back into your old self, but justin, thats not good enough, and i know i deserve better. my heart may ache for you, but i wont take you back. not now anyways. and it hurts so bad to try to push you away. i try to act so strong when im at school. i try to make it look like ive moved on and i dont even care about you anymore... but i know inside of me, something is dying for you. its like a drug addiction. i was addicted to you justin, and even though youre terrible for me. unhealthy and bad.... my heart still craves for your smell, your soft voice, the feel of your rough hands, the taste of your tongue...
i need to stop thinking about you. i should win a freaking award with all this acting ive been doing. i cant even shop for clothes with out think about what youd think id look good in. mother effer. my life is going no where fast. and people at school need to stop freaking asking me how for we went. my acting is a little too convincing if you think its okay to asking me about us just yet. even though all we did was kiss, i know that he is saying different, and i know that is really a strong reason i need to keep telling myself no. to stop trying to be his friend again. its saved me from alot of texts to him i would have regretted.
I really hate that right off the bat this morning i walked into the choir room laughing with my friends and i turn the corner and there you are. smiling. with those beautiful eyes and those gorgeous lips, wearing a dress shirt and the tie you wore to homecoming.. and you look right into my eyes... and then back to hers. i know you saw the hurt in my eyes. i wasnt expecting you here. not now. i was caught of guard and my cover was blown. you saw what a truly felt. i felt like cussing. but i slapped that smile right back on and pushed through the people crowding the door and became the character i play day-to-day now. after school you texted me. you were still on the bus on the way to state playoffs, and you texted me.. we carried on a conversation. we talked like old friends. i hate myself bad. i can never show that hurt i really feel to you again. i have to always be on guard from the moment i arrive to school to the moment i get home. no matter what. fml. and i really feel like writing more about this but i dont even know what to feel anymore. i feel like a lifeless blob right now. and if i write any more on this rant i think i could just turn this into my nanowrimo. no book. just this rant.
Rant #2: "thats gay"
what the frick, mannn. do you know what you say when you say "thats gay?" you are insulting many cool people out there. its starting to piss me off. when you say something is gay, youre meaning like its stupid or you dont agree with it. and by saying that youre also saying homosexuals are bad, wrong, gross, stupid, and they arent equal to you. well i just think that is the same as racism. really it is. they are humans, just like you. just because they have a different preference than you, they are wrong or gross? homosexuality is not a bad or wrong thing, people. its just another way at taking life. and its honestly not their fault. they dont exactly choose this path. trust me when i say, most of them hate themselves because of it. they want so badly to just be accepted and be what you think of as "normal." they are the SAME AS YOU. they are normal. youre just out casting them. ITS THE SAME A RACISM. they only have a different preference than you, so instead of running from it, just accept it. you dont have to like it, just stop the bullying and harassment, cause it can lead to bad, bad things. including suicide. seriously think about the next time your calling something gay, because i dont want some of my closest friends to get hurt from it. they have feelings, and trust me, you are not their type. stop being afraid of them.
i honestly did have a couple other things to rant about but my mind is racing on other subjects soo yeah.. i cant even think right now.... i typed soo much, i think ill just log off and treat my carpel tunnel now.